Enjoy This Post-'Requiem' Fanfic, Won't You?
by a frightened little girl
Summary: I invite you to enjoy this post-'Requiem' fanfic.


TITLE: Enjoy This Post-'Requiem' Fanfic, Won't You?  
AUTHOR: a frightened little girl  
DISTRIBUTION/FEEDBACK: Yes. To the moon and back. sosilently@aol.com  
RATING: R for language and sexual situations  
CLASSIFICATION: Story-Humor  
SPOILERS: Well, Requiem.  
SUMMARY: I invite you to enjoy this post-'Requiem' fanfic.  
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. No sue.  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: What does this post-Requiem fanfic have to offer that  
all the others don't? A complete lack of what I like to call "making  
any sense." Enjoy in good health.  
  
~  
  
Enjoy This Post-'Requiem' Fanfic, Won't You?  
by a frightened little girl  
  
~  
  
Fox Mulder was abducted by aliens, in a flying saucer, and taken  
into outer space.  
  
This startled him a bit.  
  
"Where am I?" he thought to himself. Then he shook his head rather  
stupidly and thought, "Well, I really know full well that I've been  
abducted by aliens and am now in a flying saucer in outer space, but  
the whole thing is so amazing that I think I'll spend a few more  
moments being incredulous."  
  
While he did that, he took the time to note his surroundings. It  
really did look like the inside of your typical flying saucer. The  
walls were all curved and silver and shiny, and if he stared at them  
too long his eyes began to hurt. The temperature was kept at a  
comfortable 74 degrees Fahrenheit, and there were some aliens milling  
around, waving their tentacles and chatting. He was strapped down to  
a metal table, but the straps weren't altogether too oppressive or  
binding and he appreciated that.  
  
After a few more moments of being wide-eyed and incredulous, he  
decided to relax and blink a little and come to terms with the  
reality of the situation.  
  
"Excuse me?" Mulder said politely.  
  
One of the aliens paused and walked over to him. He was green with  
lots of tentacles and looked kind of plasticky. "May I help you?" he  
asked.  
  
"Yes," Mulder said, pleased that the alien spoke English so well.  
"You just abducted me from Earth, and I was wondering what you  
planned to do with me."  
  
"Ah!" The alien glanced around with a few of its many bulbous eyes.  
"You must not have had your orientation yet. Well, let's not waste  
any more of your time!"  
  
Another be-tentacled alien approached, carrying a clipboard and  
wearing a nametag. The name was written in some weird, alien  
language, but Mulder decided to have a go at it anyway. "Zur-flish-  
na-guyay-ak?"  
  
"Put the emphasis on the FLISH," it said, waving its tentacles  
around in an aggravated manner.  
  
"Zur-FLISH-na-guyay-ak?" he tried again.  
  
"Very good, Mr. Mulder," it said, and made a little mark on its  
clipboard. "Now, to business. You have been abducted by aliens and  
are now in a flying saucer."  
  
"Indeed," Mulder said gravely.  
  
"We have decided to ignore the Earth's vast body of information  
available on the workings of the human lifeform and instead figure  
everything out for ourselves via painful and potentially degrading  
tests."  
  
"I see." Mulder wasn't too thrilled at the prospect, but he admonished  
himself to be more open-minded when it came to unfamiliar cultures  
and waited for the alien to continue.  
  
"Now, we have chosen you and a select few from other species - " the  
alien gestured to the side, where several other tentacled aliens were  
holding a Labrador retriever and an irate warthog " - to experiment  
on and catalogue and just generally mess with."  
  
"Of course." Mulder had suspected this was the way aliens worked all  
along, and the confirmation of his suspicions was pleasant and self-  
gratifying.  
  
The alien made another note on his clipboard. "Even though our stated  
goal is to learn every facet of the human anatomy, you'll find that  
our focus usually steers towards your genitals. It's a bit of a  
fixation with us, and we're not going to apologize for it."  
  
The alien sounded rather defensive and Mulder felt slightly concerned.  
"That's fine!" he said, trying to be reassuring. "I understand as well  
as you do, what must be done, must be done."  
  
"Thank you." The alien's dark green pallor lightened a little bit.  
"Sometimes the test subjects we have just don't understand and they  
fight and scream, and let me tell you, sometimes it's just not worth  
the trouble. Some days I don't even know why I get out of bed, if all  
I have to look forward to is belligerence and the damned whining of  
government bureaucrats. 'Heal' this, and 'immortality' that, and most  
of the time the test subjects they give us are barely adequate! No  
offense intended, of course." The alien suddenly extended a tentacle  
and shook Mulder's hand briskly. "You are one of the only exceptions  
to that hateful rule, and I salute you for it!"  
  
Mulder was almost positive he was blushing. "No," he mumbled,  
embarrassed. "Really, think nothing of it."  
  
"Tut tut! There's no need for modesty!" the alien exclaimed, and made  
an odd sort of snapping sound with two of his tentacles. Two burly  
aliens came over promptly and grabbed the ends of Mulder's bed. They  
gave a slight lurch and began to wheel him out of the room.  
  
"Well, anyway," Mulder's ears were burning, "thanks very much for your  
kind regard. It means a lot to me, it really does."  
  
The alien slithered alongside the bed, blinking back several hundred  
tears of righteousness from several hundred pairs of eyes. "Of course,  
my friend! Truly, you are a giant among men! A 'diamond in the rough,'  
to quote your charming Disney film! Your contribution to our Project  
will be glorious, and I am certain that history will celebrate it  
forever in the yellowed annals of time!"  
  
They approached a shiny silver door, and the alien thrust a tentacle  
high into the air in a sort of crazed glory.  
  
"NOW," he bellowed, "TO THE ANAL PROBE!"  
  
"All in all," Mulder thought to himself as they disappeared through  
the doors, "it hasn't been a bad way to end the day."  
  
****  
  
The fact that Fox Mulder had been abducted by aliens, in a flying  
saucer, and then taken into outer space upset Dana Scully very much.  
  
She was so upset that she went out and bought a gallon of Rocky Road  
ice cream, some smoked oysters, and a six-pack of orange soda, then  
proceeded to devour the whole lot within a span of four hours. This  
only served to remind her that she was also pregnant, a fact that  
simultaneously enraged and depressed her, and she became so wildly  
distraught that she went to the store and bought a jar of pickles and  
a giant carton of Twix bars. She was able to detach herself from the  
situation enough to realize that it was an expensive, rather vicious  
cycle, but her stomach and taste buds were purring for the first time  
in months and together they convinced her mind to go fuck off.  
  
So Scully sat on her couch in front of the muted TV, gnawing on pickles  
and Twix bars and rubbing her stomach gently. Loneliness washed over her  
like a wave. Even though Mulder had only been gone for fourteen hours,  
she felt his absence keenly and the thought of what tortures he might be  
enduring gave her goosebumps. Also her air conditioner was on and she  
was sitting right underneath a vent, so she grabbed an afghan and  
wrapped it around herself. The goosebumps went away and she began to  
feel somewhat secure and warm. Well, as secure and warm as she could  
possibly feel, while still lacking Mulder, etc. She stuffed another  
Twix into her mouth and resolved not to think about the matter for  
awhile.  
  
The fine hairs on the back of her neck suddenly prickled, and an  
uncanny sensation seemed to pool in the very air around her. "A  
*presence*," Scully thought, almost in awe. "*His* presence?"  
  
Slowly, quietly, her fingers tightening around the edges of the afghan,  
Scully whispered, "Mulder?"  
  
The air itself seemed to sigh.  
  
Tears puddled in her eyes and began to spill down her cheeks. "Oh,  
Mulder," she whispered, knowing that, wherever he was, he could hear.  
"I miss you so much. You should know, Mulder, that something amazing  
has happened. I'm pregnant."  
  
The air seemed to recoil in shock.  
  
"Yes, I know!" Scully wailed. "I was barren! I was never supposed to  
have children! I had resigned myself to that fact, and so I figured as  
a trade-off that meant I could have random promiscuous sex with other  
men!"  
  
It took the air a minute to process that fact.  
  
"And now I'm pregnant," Scully wept, "and I don't have a clue who the  
father is. Or maybe it's some sort of genetically-altered alien baby,  
and the government will snatch it from my hands once I give birth! Or  
maybe it's *yours* and that means we had sex and I don't remember it,  
and *damn it* Mulder, you promised me we'd both be awake the first time  
we had sex!"  
  
The air tried to run reassuring fingers down her hair and the sides of  
her face, but she would have none of it. "And how am I supposed to face  
my mother like this?" she raged. "I'm just another unwed mother! I'm  
just another goddamn statistic! Look at me! I'm already having massive  
cravings and mood swings and I'm not even in the second trimester! What  
kind of wreck am I going to be three months from now? And you're off  
gallivanting in space! The baby's not even born and you're already a  
deadbeat dad! How're you going to top that when the baby's actually  
born? Are you gonna SHOOT at it? Are you gonna take it to COURT and  
accuse it of conspiring against you? What the FUCK is your problem,  
Mulder?"  
  
The air stepped back, aghast, and Scully let out a howl of terror and  
pain and collapsed onto the couch in a torrent of sobs.  
  
"I love you, Mulder," she murmured piteously into the cushions, and the  
world itself seemed to collapse and fold around her. "God, Mulder, I  
love you so much..."  
  
The air rushed around her briefly and disappeared, and deep inside her  
soul she thanked the Lord for that fleeting, brief connection. Sleep  
tugged at her with irresistable tenderness, and she fell into a weary,  
dreamless slumber that tasted faintly of salty chocolate.  
  
****  
  
Several million miles away, Mulder was squirming on top of a rather  
thick metal pole and wondering vaguely what the hell Scully was up to.  
  
****  
  
Time passed.  
  
****  
  
  
More time passed.  
  
  
****  
  
  
  
Sometimes Scully got the intangible impression that the events of her  
life climaxed in May and fell into a trough of dull monotony until mid-  
November, but she decided she was probably overreacting.  
  
  
  
****  
  
  
  
The prostate, Mulder learned, can be a formidable sexual ally.  
  
  
  
****  
  
  
  
Halloween passed. Scully and the baby partook of several hundred  
mini-Baby Ruth bars, their favorite candy. Mulder ejaculated several  
times into small plastic containers and had a spirited discussion with  
ZurFLISHnaguyayak about ice hockey being a legitimate sport.  
  
Privately, everyone involved agreed it had been quite a good day.  
  
  
  
****  
  
  
Suddenly it was mid-November.  
  
Scully felt that intangible something in the air again, and she  
screamed to the heavens that she was fucking tired of things being  
dull and intangible and that if they really wanted her attention,  
they'd make something actually fucking happen.  
  
Inexplicably, Mulder suddenly reappeared right in front of her, freshly  
pressed and newly minted.  
  
ZurFLISHnaguyayak had approached him that morning with a white T-shirt  
and a stylish leather jacket, and bid him a fond farewell. There had  
been a few unconvincing machoisms and a little weeping, but they both  
promised to keep in touch and wished the other luck. Mulder got dressed  
and, with a jaunty wave, left his old life behind.  
  
"Scully..." he whispered, staring at her. Months and months in space  
hadn't exactly prepared him for delicate social commentary, so he felt  
no guilt whatsoever when he exclaimed, "You're enormous!"  
  
"Yes," Scully said dryly. "And you're not wearing any pants."  
  
Mulder glanced down and discovered that she was indeed correct. The  
T-shirt and jacket combo made a handsome impression, but the lack of  
pants did throw off the look of the ensemble.  
  
"Yes," he said, discreetly folding his hands in front of him. "You see,  
on the flying saucer, they were performing all sorts of wild sexual  
experiments on me, so, they usually, um, forgo the wearing of pants."  
  
"Yes," Scully said. "And I'm enormous because I'm pregnant."  
  
For a moment he thought she was trying to be sarcastic and his brow  
furrowed, but then he looked at the large swell of her belly and inhaled  
sharply. "Scully!" he exclaimed, forgetting to be modest in the wonder  
of the moment. He opened his arms and embraced her warmly.  
  
She hugged him back, albeit a bit stiffly. "What's the matter?" he  
asked, concern heavy and dark in his eyes.  
  
"Well," she said hesitantly, "this whole 'no pants' thing is kind of  
off-putting, but that doesn't matter!" Her eyes blazed. "I love you,  
Fox Mulder! Pants or no pants!"  
  
He hugged her again, her head tucked snugly under his chin, and with a  
little shiver he felt true happiness rush through him for the first  
time in his life.  
  
"I love you too, Dana Scully," he whispered. "But I think that under  
the circumstances, you should probably leave your pants on."  
  
~ 


End file.
